There Be Zombies...

Here's a question: Do we really need the belief of zombies? 

Don't answer that. It's rhetorical. 

Of course, we do! 

Here's another question: Do you think you'll survive the zombie apocalypse? 

Don't answer that either. It's still rhetorical. 

I know all of you reading this won't survive because you listen to popular media. Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead, The Walking Dead, and so on suffer from one or more curse(s). 

1) Ridiculously sized groups- committing this cardinal offense is punishable by essentially losing your entire crew at once or one by one. Larger groups always cause more issues than they can solve. "Hey, everyone! I'm going to be the leader, so the rest of you shut the f*ck up and do what I say!" Yeah, like that bullshit ever works out in the end. Let's do a re-cap, Rick Grimes, how many bastards did you lose? That's right. Your wife, newly born child (only in the comics), best friend, and several poor, dumbass motherf*ckers who couldn't wise up and chain your ass to the nearest park bench. Hell, your own son has lost an eye and your right hand was lopped off by a raving psychotic with a Hitler complex. 

My solution: NEVER GO WITH YOUR ENTIRE F*CKING FAMILY! Yes, I know, if your family's still alive you'd want to be with them. No.

Just....no. Emotions cause problems. Ditch empathy and embrace apathy. That brings me to my next curse.

2) Being overly emotional- if you haven't fallen madly in love, lost your cherry, or tied the knot by the zombie apocalypse, then it's time to close up shop. Once people start tearing each other apart with nothing but cannibalistic tendencies running things, emotions have not a place in your "give-a-f*ck" pocket. "But what if I meet the boy/girl of my dreams?" Tough luck. Most likely, they'll try to kill you for a Twinkie or something practical. Shove a person far enough into a dark corner, then watch them come out swinging with a machine gun or sharp/blunted object. 

My solution: Start drinking heavily. Seriously, drink enough starting right now and maybe you'll kill that one brain cell controlling emotions. 

3) Use of shotguns or other loud, obnoxious weaponry- yeah, I get it. Everyone wants to blow off a zombie's head with a bad-ass shotgun. Go get 'em, tiger. I'll watch from safety while your dumb-assery attracts every f*cking zombie within earshot of that weapon discharge. And if you're outside popping caps like a motherf*cker, I'm just going to laugh even harder from my secluded hide-out or as I'm driving by your mangled corpse. 

My solution: Remember all of those games where stealth was a viable option and probably garnered a better ending? You should try exercising those tactics in a more realistic setting. Ten-gauge shotgun.......how about using a bow and arrow that won't jam, doesn't need lubricating or any extensive maintenance, or reloading with those precious bullets that aren't quite so much in abundance anymore. 

Quietly, if you please, you crazy gun-toting bastards

4) Shacking up in some random joint- I don't give a shit if it's a mall, house/apartment, grocery store, or a high-rise corporate office. Staying in one location means several things, but the most important is that it takes only one dumb-ass to alert the massive f*cking horde around your precious hangout of your location. "Hey, everybody! Let's go on the roof and start shooting zombies that look like celebrities!" Wait, says the only intelligent member of the group, shouldn't we just keep to ourselves and NOT let the ravenous horde of unrelenting flesh-eaters know that we're hiding in a f*cking mall when we should be moving from location to location gathering supplies? Oh, nevermind, someone opened the wrong door and now the fast-moving zombies are rushing our humble abode. 

My solution: Remember Book of Eli? Different type apocalypse, but he kept moving and stopped only for supplies. Don't be an idiot. Be more like Denzel. 

Keep these curses to heart, but never commit them. Two to four, but not one more worked in Zombieland and look what happened. Only Bill Murray died. Personally, I'm going at the apocalypse alone and as far from metropolitan areas as I can. If you think about tagging along......don't. Whether you're friend or not, I won't hesitate to leave anyone behind to keep myself moving. 

Oh, too soon? It's been on the internets for quite some time.

Whether you listened or said f*ck it....I don't care. You'll be a zombie and I'll be driving a screwdriver through your brain. The best piece of advice I can ever give regarding this beloved version of the apocalypse is never listen to anyone but yourself. And don't trust anyone. Keep moving, shut the f*ck up, don't ask questions, and stay alive at any cost without compromising your life. Take what you have to and don't feel that tinge of regret/remorse. Yes, you may end up screwing over your best friend of fifteen years for a fried golden cream puff pastry, but who's it going to be? You, him/her, or the zombie horde? 

I'll most likely end up dying well into the beginning of the outbreak, so look for me amidst the droves of infected. 

Make the choice yourself to believe. You'll either be dead or killing those who aren't quite dead. 

Oh, one more thing before I forget: a quick run-down of recent movies. World War Z (approval met only by not reading the book). Monsters University (approval met). Despicable Me 2 (approval met, I promised a better review, but who cares?). Stay tuned for Pacific Rim this Friday. 

As always...catch it late or on time only at The Late Duck. 

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