We've all been there. That last-minute, fifty-page term paper is due in two hours and your on the introduction. You just can't seem to properly schedule/coordinate date night and now your significant other is in full-on-zombie-rage mode. Whatever the reason, you're now WAAAAAAAY behind on movies, TV shows, comics, and video games: the very essence on which your mortal soul thrives! Catch it late or right on time at...The Late Duck.
As any film nut would do, I saw Pacific Rim again. The film is still getting shafted state-side, but on the international scale, box office returns couldn't be better and Japan's still waiting for its release. Mechs and monsters have always found a safe haven in their market. Legendary and Warner Bros are near breaking even. Once the film hits the remaining regions, I expect them to start generating a profit. Pacific Rim had plenty of hype and advertising for sure. My only concern was its timing and the fact that the Jaegers needed more action. This can be easily done with an anime prequel or with action figures I'll soon have on my shelf. Family-friendly films usually rack up easier than robot-on-monster beat 'em ups. I said it before and I'm saying it again. How Grown Ups 2 managed to topple Pacific Rim is still beyond my level of comprehension. In the long-run, Sandler will be forgotten as usual and del Toro will be remembered for dishing out a graphically pleasing, well-written action movie. Worthy of an Oscar? Perhaps not. Worthy of the public's attention?
Buddy Jesus seems to think so
Moving on with cinema news (since that's all I ever seem to mention), The Wolverine berserks his way onto the silver screen against the Silver Samurai tonight. Some trash-talk has been done on Wolverine in the past. X-Men: The Last Stand and Wolverine: Origins were a wee bit hard to watch. This, however, isn't because of Hugh Jackman, but Brett-f*cking-Ratner and the geniuses who thought it a great idea to over-saturate Wolverine on-screen. I'm sorry, but all I want to see is Weapon X tearing through droves of mindless henchman and then a boss battle.
I kid, I kid. Similar to The Dark Knight and Man of Steel, Marvel's heroes do need a certain level of severity or solemnity to bring their comic-book counterparts down to reality. Twentieth Century Fox hasn't done this in the respect Marvel Studios has with the Avengers line-up movies. These characters were grounded in this world and (in Thor's case) on Asgard.
Let's go through the list of disappointing Marvel movies*. It may take a while:
Hulk
Daredevil
Electra
Fantastic Four
Rise of the Silver Surfer
X2: X-Men United (everything but Wolverine going berserk in the mansion)
X-Men: The Final Stand
Spiderman
Spiderman 2
Spiderman 3
The Amazing Spiderman (let's face it, the Lizard could've been done better)
*those distributed by Twentieth Century Fox
X-Men: First Class was decent because of Matthew Vaughn's direction. His work on Kick-Ass assured me he knew how to handle comic book movies. And this scene still gets me:
Classic Wolverine
Reviews I've read thus far regarding The Wolverine have been promising. Trailers can be misleading. Horror flicks in the past ten years have proven that as fact. I'm as confident with James Mangold directing The Wolverine as I was with Matthew Vaughn and Bryan Singer with their respective X-Men films. It's midnight movie madness for me tonight. My own review depends solely on how well the film was for me and those who go along for the show. Thirty minute post show discussions can go either way. We'll see how Jackman's latest performance fairs against movie-goers growing increasingly tired of superhero movies. This much can be said of our generation.
We are children of the comic books. The 80s brought original films by the dozens. Thirty years later and we're neck-deep in Marvel movies, the occasional DC, and reboots/remakes to last until the Rapture.
If you don't believe me, then take a gander.
Bridesmaids? Seriously?
I'll be honest. That graph just made me start crying. While I go take care of that, go see The Wolverine and decide yourself if he still has a chance.
Still don't have a blue robe? Tough luck. This one's mine.
Before anyone who reads this gets scared, yes, you're at the right place. The Late Duck was badly injured and forced to.....regenerate into The Blue Robe. See what I did there. I made a Doctor Who reference. That's right, dear readers, I've been on a month-long Doctor Who marathon. Did I watch the original doctors? No, why would I want to subject myself to THAT level of cheesy campy-ness? I'm sorry, but there's no way in real or fictitious Hell I'm ever going near the 20th century versions of the Doctor. I'd laugh my ass off the entire time at how ridiculous everything is. I, like every reasonable sci-fi fan, dove into the 2005 era starting with Christopher Eccleston. I always knew Doctor Who seemed interesting. Holy f*ck have I ever been more right in my life. Doctor Who has consumed my month of July. In just three weeks, I've blazed through five series. An entire universe that's been sitting at my doorstep for EIGHT YEARS finally came waltzing into my room. I haven't looked back. Nights spent out at the bars? Psshh, I'd rather be in the TARDIS than a boozy....booze....hall. Everyone has their favorite Doctor. Unfortunately for me, I only have three to choose from. Christopher Eccleston made a fantastic (see what I did there again?) Doctor for someone who's trying to ease into the series. He was serious, he was funny, and then gone. I didn't worry for long until the tenth Doctor stepped onto the scene. Everyone always raved about David Tennant and I finally saw why. His run as the Doctor was, quite possibly, the best Doctor Who has ever seen. He ran through the gauntlet of emotions: happy, sad, pissed off, love-sick. Tennant made the Doctor feel human while still maintaining the fact he's a Time Lord living with the curse of eternity. I just wanted one more Tennant series. His last line was hard to hear and bear. Three series with him as the Doctor and you get used to his antics. "I don't want to go" echoes just as much with the fans.
Allons-y...
As far as companions go, Rose was brilliant with both the ninth and tenth Doctor. Her connection with the tenth Doctor gave the stories more weight. I felt grounded in that universe because of the emotions passed between the two. And when the Doctor lost Rose, I teared up a bit. His disconnection with Martha made sense after being separated from someone he felt legitimate feelings (attraction, if not actual love). Martha Jones was fun, I will admit. She brought the intellect Rose didn't have (to be fair, she was a med student). The Doctor's reluctance to begin a new relationship, though, prevented from any connection or care to be made. I can say the same or far less for Donna Noble. In fact, this is how I felt most of the time with Donna:
Or this
Her voice, her attitude, her actions. Dear sweet Gallifrey, how was the Doctor able to stand the bitch? Midnight was a welcomed episode mainly due to she was hardly in the f*cking episode. I would've gone with anyone else but Donna. River Song, Sarah Jane Smith again, but not that daft ginger.
Going back to the tenth Doctor's regeneration, I really didn't want to move out of the Tennant-era, but after watching Matt Smith as the Eleventh for a bit I started to feel more at ease. Karen Gillan made the transition smoother as Amy Pond. Mainly because she's gorgeous. Amy's character stands out as a companion. Yeah, she runs afoul, but still holds her own or at least doesn't flip the f*ck out like Donna. Arthur Darvill definitely adds his own in ways Noel Clarke's Mickey just couldn't mount up to until well into Series Two. Rory and Amy make for the perfect companion-couple the Doctor needs to make his rounds. I know they won't last forever, but at least throughout the rest of Series Six I'll be content.
In other non-Whovian news, Pacific Rim's been getting hit with quite a bit of flak. I saw the epic on opening day and found very few red flags. I won't go into heavy review mode as I'm a week late, but in no way did it deserve to be beaten by Grown Ups 2. F*ck that noise. Adam Sandler beat giant mechs opening a can of whoop-ass on under-water aliens? Get me off of the f*cking rock, please. Let's see.......bad-ass robots controlled by two pilots whose minds are melded together laying a whole new brand of hurt down on del Toro-esque aliens (they look the part of the monsters from Pan's Labyrinth, so it's legit and awesome) or Adam Sandler forcing out another steaming pile of bantha poodoo.
Please, if you're a self-respecting movie-goer, go enjoy Pacific Rim. I want to watch it again on the IMAX screen.
How can you not love something that looks like this? F*ck you, Sandler.
All of this regenerating has me exhausted. Maybe a hot cup of tea will put me straight.
Here's a question: Do we really need the belief of zombies?
Don't answer that. It's rhetorical.
Of course, we do!
Here's another question: Do you think you'll survive the zombie apocalypse?
Don't answer that either. It's still rhetorical.
I know all of you reading this won't survive because you listen to popular media. Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead, The Walking Dead, and so on suffer from one or more curse(s).
1) Ridiculously sized groups- committing this cardinal offense is punishable by essentially losing your entire crew at once or one by one. Larger groups always cause more issues than they can solve. "Hey, everyone! I'm going to be the leader, so the rest of you shut the f*ck up and do what I say!" Yeah, like that bullshit ever works out in the end. Let's do a re-cap, Rick Grimes, how many bastards did you lose? That's right. Your wife, newly born child (only in the comics), best friend, and several poor, dumbass motherf*ckers who couldn't wise up and chain your ass to the nearest park bench. Hell, your own son has lost an eye and your right hand was lopped off by a raving psychotic with a Hitler complex.
My solution: NEVER GO WITH YOUR ENTIRE F*CKING FAMILY! Yes, I know, if your family's still alive you'd want to be with them. No.
Just....no. Emotions cause problems. Ditch empathy and embrace apathy. That brings me to my next curse.
2) Being overly emotional- if you haven't fallen madly in love, lost your cherry, or tied the knot by the zombie apocalypse, then it's time to close up shop. Once people start tearing each other apart with nothing but cannibalistic tendencies running things, emotions have not a place in your "give-a-f*ck" pocket. "But what if I meet the boy/girl of my dreams?" Tough luck. Most likely, they'll try to kill you for a Twinkie or something practical. Shove a person far enough into a dark corner, then watch them come out swinging with a machine gun or sharp/blunted object.
My solution: Start drinking heavily. Seriously, drink enough starting right now and maybe you'll kill that one brain cell controlling emotions.
3) Use of shotguns or other loud, obnoxious weaponry- yeah, I get it. Everyone wants to blow off a zombie's head with a bad-ass shotgun. Go get 'em, tiger. I'll watch from safety while your dumb-assery attracts every f*cking zombie within earshot of that weapon discharge. And if you're outside popping caps like a motherf*cker, I'm just going to laugh even harder from my secluded hide-out or as I'm driving by your mangled corpse.
My solution: Remember all of those games where stealth was a viable option and probably garnered a better ending? You should try exercising those tactics in a more realistic setting. Ten-gauge shotgun.......how about using a bow and arrow that won't jam, doesn't need lubricating or any extensive maintenance, or reloading with those precious bullets that aren't quite so much in abundance anymore.
Quietly, if you please, you crazy gun-toting bastards
4) Shacking up in some random joint- I don't give a shit if it's a mall, house/apartment, grocery store, or a high-rise corporate office. Staying in one location means several things, but the most important is that it takes only one dumb-ass to alert the massive f*cking horde around your precious hangout of your location. "Hey, everybody! Let's go on the roof and start shooting zombies that look like celebrities!" Wait, says the only intelligent member of the group, shouldn't we just keep to ourselves and NOT let the ravenous horde of unrelenting flesh-eaters know that we're hiding in a f*cking mall when we should be moving from location to location gathering supplies? Oh, nevermind, someone opened the wrong door and now the fast-moving zombies are rushing our humble abode.
My solution: Remember Book of Eli? Different type apocalypse, but he kept moving and stopped only for supplies. Don't be an idiot. Be more like Denzel.
Keep these curses to heart, but never commit them. Two to four, but not one more worked in Zombieland and look what happened. Only Bill Murray died. Personally, I'm going at the apocalypse alone and as far from metropolitan areas as I can. If you think about tagging along......don't. Whether you're friend or not, I won't hesitate to leave anyone behind to keep myself moving.
Oh, too soon? It's been on the internets for quite some time.
Whether you listened or said f*ck it....I don't care. You'll be a zombie and I'll be driving a screwdriver through your brain. The best piece of advice I can ever give regarding this beloved version of the apocalypse is never listen to anyone but yourself. And don't trust anyone. Keep moving, shut the f*ck up, don't ask questions, and stay alive at any cost without compromising your life. Take what you have to and don't feel that tinge of regret/remorse. Yes, you may end up screwing over your best friend of fifteen years for a fried golden cream puff pastry, but who's it going to be? You, him/her, or the zombie horde?
I'll most likely end up dying well into the beginning of the outbreak, so look for me amidst the droves of infected.
Make the choice yourself to believe. You'll either be dead or killing those who aren't quite dead. Oh, one more thing before I forget: a quick run-down of recent movies. World War Z (approval met only by not reading the book). Monsters University (approval met). Despicable Me 2 (approval met, I promised a better review, but who cares?). Stay tuned for Pacific Rim this Friday.
As always...catch it late or on time only at The Late Duck.
