No Explosions, Bay?

Pain and Gain. For those who've seen the trailer, it looks like one of those over-the-top films with massive amounts of testosterone and steroids injected into it like Bane doping on Venom. I honestly didn't know what the hell to make of the trailer when I first saw it last year, but this I will admit: the cast looked solid and it was probably the first Michael Bay movie in years to not have copious amounts of A) big-ass explosions and B) special effects running around like a fat kid in a donut factory. While there's no way in hell I'll see this movie full price, it definitely warrants the dollar theatre or the five dollar early bird special. Before I see Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne Johnson ripped on whatever the f*ck they're taking, Oblivion takes priority. 

The last movie I saw him, he was a shirtless rock god

who actually sang his own parts. Kudos, Mr. Cruise. 

Oblivion stars Tom Cruise and Morgan Freeman (among others, but let's take a guess who you'll notice first) in a post-apocalyptic Earth. Now, I've been trying not to find out laundry lists of details surrounding the film as to not ruin the story, so don't expect anything until I actually see it today or tomorrow. Given the fact that I have two days off in a row, this kid can finally get back in the cinema swing. 

Critics didn't really praise the film and I can honestly see why. How many post-apocalyptic films have we now? Dozens if not more? Yeah, it's a genre that's been blended in a processor multiple times occasionally adding in different spices, but never let it be said they don't entertain the hell out of the general population. Much like zombies and their respective genre, the post-apocalypse film will never die until we actually experience one of those world-ending scenarios. Personally, I want zombies. We'll still have electricity and access to foodstuffs, clean water, and plenty of rage-venting opportunities. Just don't be like The Walking Dead group and get all emotional. Feelings and zombies just don't mix well. 

In regards to other previously released movies, I'm really only gunning for 42, the Jackie Robinson biopic. I've always had an affinity for "based on a true story" films that do right by their iconic individual. The Croods, Scary Movie 5, and GI: Joe Retaliation go down on my "Wait/Never see this f*cking film" list. 

Next month, however, brings tidings of great joy with Iron Man 3 officially kicking off the Summer film season, despite the fact it's still Spring, and then The Great Gatsby and Star Trek: Into Darkness leading us further into the season. Now, now, don't fret for these two are only the kick-starters to an entire summer of cinematic wonder. 

I'd consider myself a huge fan of F. Scott Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemingway, and T.S. Eliot. More films need to be adapted from their works. Luckily, Baz Luhrmann realized this and gave us the adaptation I've wanted since Robert Redford played the titular Jay Gatsby. I'm more than thrilled for this film almost to the point where I'll have my copy of Fitzgerald's masterpiece in hand whilst viewing its cinematic counterpart. 

Go and see Fast and Furious Six if you please, but I'll hold out for The Hangover Part III to finish out the merry month of May. This animated film Epic looked interesting from the trailer, but I can't really say anything else in that regard. 

After Earth's trailer didn't do much to bring me in seeing as it's yet another post-apocalyptic film. Will Smith and his son Jaden had an incredible duo in The Pursuit of Happyness, so I'm not all too concerned about they're capability. The director, though, I can't help but worry over. When the f*ck did M. Night Shyamalan dish out a decent film? Oh, right, Signs...over ten f*cking years ago. That's a movie I can watch again without second guessing myself. Critics be damned, I enjoyed that film. The Village was alright, but Signs won in my book. 

Much everything else in May is either an Indie flick or foreign. Not to say those will perform poorly, but most likely won't hit my radar. Onward to June! 

The Internship brings Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson back which worries me none. While it probably won't go to the Wedding Crashers level, I'm still excited for that pair to make a come back. Much Ado About Nothing, another modernized version of a Shakespeare play, lets Joss Whedon come out to play with Nathan Fillion and Clark Gregg along for the ride among other actors, of course. 

This Is the End will, undoubtedly, piss off droves of critics with its senseless comedy revolving around gay, fart, dick, stoner, and celebrity jokes. Who gives a f*ck? Actors are playing themselves in an end-of-the-world scenario. What could go wrong? 

Emma Watson f*cking shit up, apparently

I've definitely come down from my haughty movie high-horse in the past couple years. If not, I wouldn't touch this film with an EOS suit on. 

Man of Steel. Do I really have to go on? Just....just watch. The latest trailer speaks for itself. 

June needs to hurry the f*ck up

The Bling Ring tags along with Man of Steel coming out on the fourteenth and stars Emma Watson in some drug/jewelry ring. All I know is, Hermione's grown up and she looks A-MA-ZING! 

Monsters University and World War Z hit exactly a week after the above two. It's been over ten years since Monsters Inc came out and Pixar once again reaffirmed its crazy animation chops, so no concerns there. The original cast is back with John Goodman and Billy Crystal leading the hilarity. Max Brooks' World War Z spans multiple stories of zombie encounters, so I really don't know if Brad Pitt can pull the weight of this movie as well as Brooks wrote his book. I met Max Brooks and asked him the question of whether or not fast-moving zombies actually exist. He laughed and I quote "Fast zombies don't exist!" which answered my question perfectly. That being said, why the f*ck are there ridiculously fast-moving zombies that can topple a goddamn bus and form an undead latter to attack a helicopter? We'll see when June swings around. 

Despicable Me 2 and The Lone Ranger head up July coming out on the third. I'm fine with both. Johnny Depp as Tonto? Depp can act like no other actor. I'd never argue with the guy because I know Jack Sparrow would join and I'd tap out gladly. 

Guillermo del Toro's Pacific Rim recently came under some heat by action film juggernaut Michael Bay for the film resembling Transformers. F*ck you, Bay. del Toro's giants are mechs piloted by humans fighting weird-ass sea monsters. If anything, it's closer to Monsters vs Aliens except Robots vs Monsters. Regardless of who doesn't care about this film, I certainly do. 

Turbo, Red 2, and R.I.P.D are going down on my "watch in theatres list". Turbo, a Dreamworks animation production, stars Ryan Reynolds as a garden snail in pursuit (ha, get it, because they're slow, so pursuit means...oh, nevermind) to become the fastest snail ever. Red 2 brings back Bruce Willis, John Malkovich, and Helen Mirren into the retired spy life. If the sequel is the same or better or has Malkovich screaming with a bomb strapped to his chest again, I'm as giddy as a schoolboy. R.I.P.D also stars Reynolds along with Jeff Bridges. R.I.P.D or the Rest in Peace Department follows the two actors chasing around supernatural villainy hell bent on bringing harm to the living. Sounds like Hellboy and the B.R.P.D. 

 The Wolverine concludes July in an epic fashion. Hugh Jackman dons the adamantium claws once again for what I'm calling the best X-Men film to date. Will he ditch his mutation or realize it's not so damn bad living forever? 

August has some heavy-hitters surprisingly. 300: Rise of an Empire goes away from the bloody field at Thermopylae to the Greek seas where General Themistokles facing similar odds: the might of the Persian fleet led by wannabe god, Xerxes. Eh, I liked 300 more. 

If Cockneys vs Zombies hits our shores, then f*ck yeah I'm in!

This is the big one for August. The ninth dishes out Elysium, Niell Blomkamp wrote and directed this sci-fi adventure set in the 22nd century (2159) where Earth is but a ruin and a pristine community, Elysium, houses the super-rich. Free of disease, crime, poverty, or malaise of any kind, those left behind on Earth must find a way to bring those motherf*ckers down. Cue Matt Damon in a powersuit grafted to his body. This suit supposedly has the key to bring Elysium's entire system down. Jodie Foster and Sharlto Copley (who was in Blomkamp's last critical success, District 9) join the cast as antagonists or allies to Damon's character. 

Yes, Matt Damon, now you're a bad-ass again. 

Pixar's follow-up to Cars, Planes, hits theatres as well starring Steve Carell and Dane Cook. We'll see if Pixar can beat Brave. 

Kick-Ass 2 gets bloody again on the sixteenth and I really need to read up on the issues in my collection. Aaron Johnson, Chloe Grace Moretz, and Chistopher Mintz-Plasse all reprise their roles. Jim Carrey dons the persona of Colonel Stars and Stripes in a role I think he'll steal the show with easily. 

The World's End will probably my last movie to see this summer. When you have Simon Pegg and Nick Frost in a movie, shit is bound to go down in the worst most comical way possible. If this hits American shores, I'll gladly attend a showing. The story alone sounds like something I'd do and given the fact Edgar Wright is directing, I'll see the damn movie even if I have to ship overseas to London. Five friends gather twenty years after attempting a legendary pub crawl in order to attempt the same feat again (and I suppose successfully this time). If we get the film, go see it. Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost have a natural talent for dishing out amazingly hilarious films. 

Well, that about sums it up for the 2013 Summer season. September is technically summer, but I've never counted it part of the Summer cinema season. So, with this knowledge at your disposal, check out all the trailers and catch a majority of these films in theatre. I'll have my reviews for the ones I catch as I see them. 

Catch it late or on time only on The Late Duck. 

Off the Chain

The title both works as a pun and a decent description of Quentin Tarantino's latest foray into the film society, Django Unchained. Controversy surrounded this movie to no end and continues even now (oh, China, it's only full frontal male nudity). Yes, Tarantino was a bit liberal with the use of that certain word used during that certain era. Yes, Tarantino probably hooked a fire hose up to a vat of fake blood. Yes, Tarantino probably doesn't give a f*ck what people think of his films. He just bitch slaps the critics with his Oscars and moves on. 

If the above paragraph wasn't any indication, the Academy Award-winning Django Unchained has hit shelves today. I have my copy from the friendly neighborhood Best Buy who so happened to stock a special edition to their shelves. This certain edition, packaged in a custom sleeve, comes in a tri-fold case with the Blu Ray, DVD, and Bonus Features disc along with the Ultraviolet/Digital copy. 

For those unfortunate few that never saw the film in theatres, Jamie Foxx stars as the titular character hellbent on rescuing his darling wife from the hands of the whack-ass crazy slave owner, Calvin Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio) and his aging master-of-the-house (sort of), Stephen (Samuel L. Jackson). Django is initially enlisted by Dr. King Schultz (Christoph Waltz), a professional bounty hunter and delightfully hilarious German immigrant. Waltz steals the show as Schultz in an Academy Award-winning performance (he took away Best Male Actor in a Supporting Role) and I never had a single complaint on the subject. This isn't to say Foxx, DiCaprio, and Jackson fall short on their roles. As with nearly every Tarantino film, characters are brought along well throughout the film and deserve their fitting ends whether fatal or not. As much as I loved the film in theatres earlier this year, I will definitely/highly recommend this as a must-have for film buffs or Tarantino fanatics (such as myself) to add to their increasing film collection. 

 Exterior of the edition showcasing Django, Schultz, and Candie

Interior showing off the signature chain displayed in the poster art

From left to right: Blu Ray, DVD, Bonus Features

Django Unchained wasn't the only new release today. Sadly, today marks the last big release for me until The Last of Us hits in mid-June. Oh, Naughty Dog, you brilliant bastards. Stop teasing already! Anyway, Injustice: Gods Among Us has landed and it's a solid touchdown. Netherrealm Studios has taken Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe, cleaned up/polished the graphics, tightened up the controls, simplified the combos, and FINALLY wrote a clever story worth paying attention. I simply cannot remember a Mortal Kombat game that had a fantastic story. Injustice, however, kind of re-introduces the idea of Superman giving up on humanity and attempting to bring the entire world under his "protection", but we all know what that means: complete and total "F*ck you" subjugation. Similar to Superman: Red Son (which came as a pre-order bonus at Gamestop), various superheroes rise up against Superman such as Batman who forms the Insurgency to remove the One Earth government. Where the story greatly differs is the temporal displacement that creates a somewhat brilliant inter-dimensional rift causing superheroes from the normal dimension you, me, and everyone else knows in which Metropolis doesn't really have a good day and throws them into the One Earth dimension with Superman trying to fight off his performance anxiety. 

I'll stop there to avoid major spoilers surrounding several characters and get into more. The gameplay is split up into various categories offering multiple ways to enjoy the game. You have the standard Story mode to experience the plot and unlock quite a bit of goodies. Multiplayer opens you up to versus and arcade mode to see who's top king among your friends. S.T.A.R. Labs brings in a pot load of mini games and Q-T-Es for even more unlockables. The Hero card gives you a chance to show off your gamer swag with all of the emblems, backgrounds, and character cards you've obtained. It's a nice touch to multiplayer, but nothing more. 

Now, don't worry if you're cannon fodder when it comes to fighting games. Trust me, you're never alone. Injustice allows you to tag whatever move you fancy to the screen so you don't have to go back and forth to remember each combo. The special moves themselves are relatively easy to memorize, so pick a character and start training. Flash is my home boy right now and his moves are perfect for gamers like me who can't handle heavy characters like Bane or Solomon Grundy or even mid-tier characters like Deathstroke or Ares. His moves are fast, easy, and dish out a modest amount of damage if you can string combos well. 

Every character has their own set of moves and super combos. On the PS3, once your meter's filled, pull down L2+R2 for some killer hits. Flash circumnavigates the globe to come back and deal out the pain with a swift upper cut and bitch slap to the ground. Superman winds up, smacks his opponent into the stratosphere (and then some), and finally back down to the cold, hard ground with a well-placed "f*ck you" to the face. Ares' is both easy to pull off, crowd-pleasing, but ultimately dishes out the least amount of damage. For all of you 300 fans, Ares teleports his foe to the fields of ancient Greece (in a place closely resembling Thermopylae) and, quite literally, rains a mess of arrows down something like........this:

You had to say it, didn't you?

All-in-all, Injustice is a solid game, but it's nothing ground-breaking or revolutionizing in the fighting genre. There's still quite a substantial bit for me to tackle, but in no way am I imagining the task a daunting chore to complete. I've enjoyed the game thus far on Day One, my friends have similarly enjoyed it, and it should make for an excellent party game in the near future. Most likely, The Last of Us will be the next recipient of The Crashed Moose award. DC, Netherrealms, you've done us well this time. 

Before I depart, allow me to leave you with tidings of great joy: the third installment to the Arkham series has been announced. Batman: Arkham Origins is slated for an October release. Get your $5 pre-order ready! 

And, as an added bonus, the Injustice: Collector's Edition statue since I still can't organize a small-ish film crew for an unboxing. 

Who's the bitch now, Bats?!?!

Catch it late or on time only on The Late Duck. 

The Other Car

Shame on you if you didn't catch the title reference. I refer to, of course, Dr. Ellie Sattler's line in Jurassic Park after discovering the second car that went over the side via a pissed off T-Rex. Why would I bring to light a twenty year-old quote? I do believe that aforementioned film hit the coveted twentieth anniversary mark. That's right, dear readers, Steven Spielberg's (in my opinion) flagship film has reached two decades! Why do I consider this his capitol film? Well, just look at what he accomplished. I was but a young lad in the early nineties, so my knowledge of just about damn near anything was relatively non-existent for another few years. 

Jurassic Park started filming 24 August 1992 after a little over two years in pre-production. Keep in mind, this pre-production period was spent creating every single inch of the set, props, and the huge-as-f*ck animatronic T-Rex. Literally, the live-action model they used in the film stood twenty feet and weighed around thirteen thousand pounds. Jack Horner (the film's paleontology expert) remarked "this is the closest I've ever been to a live dinosaur" when viewing the final animatronic. My words would've been more along the lines of "can I get a fresh pair of underwear?" In a short featurette, Spielberg revealed he fully intended for Jurassic Park to be shot in 3D. Had he the technology then, three year-old me would've seen it for the first time in three dimensions. In fact, allow me for Spielberg to inform you himself. 

After seeing the film in 3D at midnight Friday, I can honestly say that would've scared the ever-living f*ck out of me as a toddler. My six year-old brother would've ran out of the theatre rather than hide behind my mother's seat and my one year-old sister still would've been sound asleep throughout the movie. Now, at twenty-three and after seeing the movie over fifty times, I can say that sometimes the oldies are even better with an added dimension. Jurassic Park still looks like a movie that was shot not even five years ago. I've seen the CGI in today's films and TV shows and it's laughable at its worst. Spielberg and his team gave this film their all. Without Jurassic Park, the world would've never had an inexhaustible library of sound effects. How many times has the T-Rex roar been rinsed and repeated for other films? Woe, I only have ten fingers and ten toes. 

From the opening scene with Muldoon and the raptor transfer, I was wrapped in the moment. There will be times when characters on screen just don't look too flashy in 3D, but the dinosaurs and chase sequences are absolutely incredible. When the T-Rex emerges from her paddock to wreak havoc on Lex and Tim, I was on the edge of my seat. The same could be said for the T-Rex/Jeep chase, Grant and Tim escaping the tree, and the T-Rex vs raptors finale. I've loved Jurassic Park for twenty years, had all the toys, played the video game at Chuck E Cheese's, watched The Lost World, and ignored the less-than-appealing third installment. I mean, come on! Spinosaurus is a f*cking punk for taking out T-Rex like that! Does his jaw look like one for massive crushing capability? Hells no. If you haven't already or you're still on the electric fence debating, go back to Isla Nublar. 

My official stance on Jurassic Park 3D- if you've never seen the film shame on you or if you're wanting to go back to the Park in style, then get the f*ck off the couch and see this damn film again. If you're a one-and-done type, then keep chilling with whatever movie's on. 

Another technical re-release came out Friday as well. I call it a re-release while it's more a remake, but yeah, it's Evil Dead. Many of us Ash Williams fanboys were initially up in arms over the hint hint of a remake. What is this? An Evil Dead movie without Ash? Without chainsaw? Without deadites? WITHOUT BOOMSTICK?!?! Never have I ever been so glad to be more wrong. Fede Alvarez's remake of Sam Raimi's 1981 classic delivered on every single concern I had months ago. But oh, dear sweet Ashley Williams was this one every bit more violent than thirty-two years ago. True story, some light-weight threw up in the theatre I was attending. Luckily, Evil Dead doesn't suffer as much from "too-much-trailer" syndrome. Horror movie wannabes today show way too damn much of the "scary" bits in the trailer, so by the time you catch the flick, you're without any surprises. Yeah, Evil Dead's red-band trailer had plenty to show, but I wasn't as gut-wrenched then as I was when actually watching the film. 

Everything was a definite improvement from the 1981 version for obvious reasons. Bruce Campbell applauded Alvarez for his ability to modernize his debut into acting. In fact, allow me to let him to you himself. 

To be fair to Bruce and Sam, it was the early eighties. Of course you wouldn't have top notch effects and the like. Regardless of what anyone says, they ushered in a series that took the horror/comedy genre mash-up to another level. Not to mention the bad-ass one-liner book went sky-high in the eighties (thank you, Mr. Schwarzeneggar). It's not a shotgun anymore, it's a mother f*ckin' BOOMSTICK! I mean, come on, good......bad......I'm the guy with the gun. 

The acting is what you'd expect from a horror movie.

I hear a noise. It's coming from down that dark and badly lit hallway.

You should go down there.

Really? It seems a little dangerous. 

No, you'll be fine. We're all right here where it's perfectly safe. 

OH, DEAR JESUS! I'M BEING POSSESSED BY SOME DEMON SHIT THAT ASSHOLE WITH THE GLASSES UNLEASHED! YOU SHOULD ALL BE AFRAID OF ME NOW INSTEAD OF THINKING I HAVE MENTAL ISSUES! 

Luckily, the movie was peppered with those moments where it's gory as all f*ck, but you can't help but laugh to keep from crying or screaming. And believe me, this Evil Dead spares no expense when it comes to the overall buckets o'blood scare tactic. It's like that one scene in Family Guy: 

It truly is everywhere. Alvarez probably thought what can I do to these actors? Pour every form of blood on them in the worst, most insanely gross ways imaginable. Now, I really don't want to get all story-happy for obvious reasons. If you've seen the original, then you know the premise. Demon-craft, chainsaw, boomstick. Bada-bing. For this Evil Dead, I will definitely score it as follows: if you've seen the original and want to see a thirty-two year later version with blood on blood action, then get the f*ck off the couch and see this movie. If you've seen the original and are happy with Ash, don't worry about the remake. If you've never heard of Evil Dead, Ashley Williams, Bruce Campbell, or Sam Raimi............well, first off welcome to the real world and please, go see the original three films and top it off with a blood-soaked cherry of a movie. 

Both Jurassic Park 3D and Evil Dead deserve a high-five from Borat. 

In other nerd news, Django Unchained and Injustice: Gods Among Us release a week from this Tuesday, 16 April. A while back, I posted my review of Tarantino's latest peak in Hollywood, so check it out if you've not seen the Academy Award winning feature. I'll have more news on Injustice as the date draws near, but I can say this now after playing the demo: Batman and Wonder Woman seem relatively balanced as far as ranged and close-combat with Batman acting like Scorpion (the whole Bat-claw grappler move) and Lex Luthor might not be everyone's favorite heavy-hitter. He's pretty slow and hard to work with in-game. Wonder Woman is a delight with ranged attacks via the Lasso of Truth and her sword/shield combo. Personally, I'll probably chill with Green Lantern or Sinestro at first. I'll have the mid-tier collector's edition featuring Wonder Woman and Batman going at each other's throats atop the Fortress of Solitude. Expect only my wondrous description via text. I'll try for video this time if I don't botch the script royally like Tomb Raider or Bioshock: Infinite. Honestly, filming anything Han-style (solo) is complicated. 

Catch it late or on time only on The Late Duck.