Work. May-mesters. Summer school. Makes for Sad Panda.
Despite my undying wish to break out in synchronized dancing accompanied by the flawless tenor voice I've long since dreamed of, all three above mentioned miseries await in the weeks ahead. (Mental note: Add "learn synchronized dance to Bucket List) As this needless depression subsides, let's move onto more intriguing matters.
#1: Chronicle finally hits blu-ray/DVD on Tuesday, 15 May. For those unaware of this incredible "found-footage" film, the story centers around three high-school students who encounter a mysterious meteor-like object and are bestowed with super-human abilities. I won't go further in fear of spoilers, but this definitely elevates to a must-have for any sci-fi junkie. Chronicle will also be the very first film in history to receive the patent-pending Jonesy's Couch Rating System (JCRS).
An explanation: Many a times, I've found myself wondering "When the hell should I see this and why?" The system breaks into four quarters and are as follows:
#2: Jonesy's Couch Rating System
0-25%: This might be a direct-to-TV movie or one that failed in a spectacular fashion, but not in a good way. When wondering whether or not to see this film, strongly consider if getting off the couch would be worth your time. If not, then the film receives a "F*ck It. I'll stay on the couch" rating. Notable examples include Jonah Hex, Final Destination V, Jack and Jill, and Twilight (the entire saga).
26-50%: These films require a slight bit more consideration. Listen only to your judgment rather than that of friends. A majority of films belonging to this category still failed to thoroughly impress critics, but may serve as something to blow off time or just chill. When wondering whether or not to see this film, think for a considerable moment, then get off the couch or remain in the "F*ck It. I'll stay on the couch" feeling. This section is called the "Well......maybe" rating. Notable inclusions are Legion, The Covenant, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, and Clash of the Titans.
51-74%: These films can be a complete toss-up between "damn" and "hot damn". In order to view films in this section, you must absolutely be determined to sit through the film's entirety and reap the rewards/consequences. Critics often regard the film as just shy of cinematic nirvana, yet decent enough for view. Writers and directors don't/do necessarily take necessary risks for the film to truly shine. When wondering to see this film, weigh your options, then grab the keys and roll out. Rarely are viewers disappointed with movies falling in this section. I pronounce this quarter the "Yeah, I'll get off the couch for this" rating. Films that demonstrate these ideas are Scott Pilgrim vs the World, The Losers, Patch Adams, and Australia.
75-100%: Sheer perfection. Films resting shiny in this quarter blow inferior amateur motion pictures away like a massive C4 detonation. Scholars step in at this point to deliver an educated view upon content within given selections. All films under this section exemplify cinematic qualities established around the early twentieth-century and offer memorable and educational material. Doubt washes out before consideration comes to light. Individuals know these films to be truly great after repeated views of trailers. Reactions during any film often involve heavy applause, laughter-induced tears, extreme coughing fits due to laughter, and standing ovations. This quarter earns the "Hells yeah, I'm getting my ass off the couch to see the midnight launch!" rating. Exemplary films are Vertigo, Rebel Without a Cause, It's A Wonderful Life, Chronicle, The Dark Knight, The Avengers, What Dreams May Come, Memento, Inglourious Basterds, The Artist, Midnight in Paris, Hugo, The Adventures of Tintin, War Horse, and Jurassic Park.
I will admit, the last quarter's films are the only I consider paying $10/ticket. So, next time you're in a bunch deciding why you should go to the movies, consider this system.
#3: The Avengers continues an unstoppable box office lead to no surprise. Joss Whedon may just be sitting pretty with a dominating hold on summer blockbusters. No objections there.
#4-5: 19-20 May brings Comic Con to Irving, Texas for its tenth year. I'll be in attendance at least on Saturday, possibly Sunday with coverage of the event. Mark your calenders for Geek Pride Day on 25 May and get your GPD button on ThinkGeek (listed at the bottom of the page) to celebrate your inner geek!
#6: How I Met Your Mother Season Seven concludes Monday night, 14 May, with an hour long finale. Barney's mystery bride revealed, Lily and Marshall welcome their first-born, and Ted will most likely break out the "Team Baby" shirts again.
Stay tuned for HIMYM's review and the unboxing of Max Payne 3's Limited Edition.
And remember! You CAN do something with a BA in English like #419: Construct a fort out of rare, first edition novels!
No comments:
Post a Comment